Inverted Crescent

One Woman's Journey Over the Moon and Beyond

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Methinks I just made a resolution

I’m not an island.
But a human woman hungering for more.

More life. More joy. More connection.

What has this blog been but my message in a bottle, giving me, perhaps falsely, a sense of connectedness, rescuing me from my unintentional islandhood?

Well, it’s time to step things up. A blog is nice, but it does not make for a full and rich life alone. It is time to add to my life-cultivating repertoire by reaching out in a new way. A dynamic way.

You’ve heard of functional alcoholics? Well, I’ve been a functional isolate.
I have, for the past 7 years, lived alone.

In that time I have lost a father; two jobs (once the company collapsed, the other I was “laid off” due to financial considerations), adopted the blue-grey stealth kittens, been in and out of a significant relationship, and had the better part of a cervix removed due to a “cancer scare”. In all of that I found a church, my life’s vocation, learned to celebrate the wisdom of womankind, and to truly appreciate science fiction. Ups and downs to be sure, but more ups in the mix, so it feels balanced.

For the first time in years I am surrounded by other humans. I am residing with extended family and making adjustments to living within their schedules, as they are also making adjustments to live within mine. It is a kind and equitable arrangement.
I have an opportunity to see what it is like to be a part of a family; to enjoy that, to participate when I can, and retreat when I should. It is a beautiful thing.
But it also makes me clear on how easy it is to be lonely.

When you start to compare your life to those around you, the differences stand out.
Here I am, with the family---they have each other to hold onto. I love them and they make a concerted effort to include me in many things. But there are things which are of the family, and belong to the family. And there are things that aren’t. And I am a part of the things that aren’t.

It’s okay. I get that. But it makes me aware ----of the wanting. Of the wanting more.
So to that end, I’m coming up with a game plan to maximize my chances of meeting,(in the words of my sister) “a man worthy of me”, of expanding my friend base, and encouraging my hobbies.

What the plan looks like:
Trying to go to one new place or activity a week. (I don’t care what it is, as long as there are no smoke-filled rooms involved). Seriously. Wine-tastings? Yep. I’ll try it. Tractor pulls. Lord be with me---yes. I’m a new woman in a new town. I need new local friends to add to my old diversely scattered friends. And who knows? Maybe I’ll learn something new while I’m at it.

Try to talk to at least two new (available) men a week. This may be harder than it sounds because I can become intensely quiet around men. Unless I’m talking about my work, that is. I’m not certain about why this is, but it is true.

Keep a dating journal. When I do go on dates, keep a record of what I like about this person---about what I am concerned about---about what I am thinking and feeling and what that means. I know it sounds ridiculous---but I have a tendency to idealize someone before I really know them. I hope this will help me be grounded and learn to see the person before me, instead of just seeing what I want to see.

Find a good church. Since I’ve moved to MS, it has been hard finding a church that was really living the path of God, instead of a legalistic, passionless faith. I want a good church to help my spiritual growth. My heart has strayed too much of late, and I need a little help getting home.

Get my dating team together. By this, I mean my friends who will be able to tell me when the guy I’m dating is a good one---or if I’m simply hearing the siren’s call of attraction and putting up with behavior that is, basically, unacceptable.

Find a cool club---and play there! Really, I’ve been unable to get hooked up with Volleyball here, which sucks, because I really love to chase that little white ball. But Canoeing would be AWESOME. I would like to be a part of a group where I could make new friendships and get some exercise in. I’m more prone to exercise if I’m surrounded by a support group. I’m co-dependent that way. But self-aware, so maybe that’s a strength if I work it right.

Sew---I freakin’ love sewing. And it would be a lot of fun to be a part of a local theatrical group-- making costumes for them. I’m a good seamstress, and I have fun fanci-fying the peoples. Should be a good way to get to know the artsy types too.

Biking.---Here biking is big. But that’s road biking, and I’m not very good at that. I don’t think I could hang with the pod. Most of them go 13-15mph, and I’m just not there, yet. Now if I could find a group a lazy bones who just like to get out and about, that would be great.

Holy cats, I think I may have just made a resolution. Well, we’ll see how this goes. Wish me luck!!


At 4:33 PM, Blogger Batonga said...

SOunds like a plan... but don't they say no matter how good a plan is, once the battle is joined, plans get thrown out? something like that anyways. So... that sounded very discouraging. Seriously though, good luck... I don't have my courage up enough to try something like that. Maybe one year, but not this coming one.

At 3:57 PM, Blogger Mountain Laureate said...

Hey Cave Femme,

Funtional isolate -- that's good. I'm guilty of the same crime. I prefer the term "functional isoholic."

Anyhow, I may have to borrow from your resolution list just a bit.

It's a good one and I feel your pain!


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